first timers

ahh... woke up around 9.30 Sunday morning and felt rested and new. why, and yes, i have a new bed. thanks for noticing. ;) went to ikea on friday and bought myself a bed. and i've slept in it for the first time. all i can say is mmm...

and for the first time in a long time, i told someone off. i showed my anger, i told her what i thought (without going evil on her ass). the co-worker who commented on my effort at work. she had evasive explanations and sweet talk in her back pocket, but the anger only faded slowly. so we talked. she apologized. and i accepted.
i do think that her apology was real, but i don't think that she really understood why i became mad at her in the first place. the good news is though that i'm not angry about it any more. and not bitter, cursing and talking it over in the head while doing dishes, like so many times before.

another first timer was a woman i met tonight. a truely wonderful woman, whom i invited for coffee and talked to. bright, humble, person with the skills to see you and meet you at your level. a woman who follows her gut feeling. and i like that. my own gut feeling says that she's a keeper.

and in, not the distant future lies a trip to the states and especially the big apple. first time all over, in other words. haven't met my friend, the f-man in several years, whom i'll be staying at. and the rest is just for the first time!

first timers... i like'em!

getting it out of your system

you know those times when you get a totally absurd thought in your mind, and no matter what you do, you can't get it out?

well, yesterday when i came home, i was pondering about in the fridge, trying to elaborate my evening feast. in my fridge, i found black pudding, just lying in the shades, on the top shelf. as i took it out of the fridge, my starving stomach roared. and then i found myself staring at it. the black pudding. to eat or not to eat, was the question at hand. or so one, might think. my question was more leaning towards if the pig whose blood i was about to digest had aids. and with that question, my mind froze.

now, how in jesus name am i going to eat black pudding, now that i, somehow, came to the conclusion had aids? i tried talking myself into that it just neede to be heated to 76°C. but it didn't work. and of course, i tried to tell myself, that i was just going mental on the poor pudding, but that, of course, definitely didn't help.
so i called a friend. tried to make him shake it off me. it didn't work. he almost convinced me to become a vegetarian, just to make sure that i didn't eat anything bloody.
what did help though was just to chat with him, letting it out so i could focus on something else. or getting it out of my system.

a dear, dear friend of mine is at the mental hospital and has been there for about a week. she has, from what i know, mentally collapsed, but is recovering and getting things that's been in her, out of her system, which is good. of course.
it makes me really ambivalent. i'm trying to stay strong, but at some points i burst. of course.

so when it comes to work, i've been a bit distracted, to say the least. and ambivalent to whether i should tell anyone at work about it. and with anyone, i'm mainly referring to my teamleader. i decided today that i was going to tell her. not an easy choice, i find, but i need to get it out of my system. expecially after today.
you see, i have a colleague who remarked on my perfomance at work today. she didn't think that i was doing good enough. and since, i have only felt an anger that's been growing. at my work, se have goals. of course. and our tl (teamleader) keeps statistics, which is open to everyone, since we all need to put in our data, our work in there. in my book, one can look, but not judge. and i work in the way that if i would use the statistics at hand, i would use them to see who is above me, so that i can work towards reaching their goals. and by that become better. but my colleague looked at the data from today that i had fed and thought that i should know that i hadn't done that many errands. which is like saying that i'm not doing my job. and that is the worst way to use statistics, between co-workers. i got so mad, that i almost cried. maybe i'm overreacting, but i feel violated. why comment such a thing? why make such a remark? why??! i don't understand it. it is not in her place to make remarks on the efforts i make at work. it is not in her place to control other co-workers results and base judgements according to them. she doesn't have a big enough picture to take a discussion on her co-workers efforts. is she calling me lazy? have bad working morale? what does she mean with making such a comment??! i got so mad about this, that i felt i couldn't even take my coffee break at the same time as the others, because i didn't want to sit and sip hot beverages close to her and her remarks.
so tomorrow. i'm getting it out of my system. which means war.

hey ya'll! talked to a friend of mine before and he expressed how disappointed he was that the blog hadn't been updated for such a long time. which is true. it was some time that i was here. well, i have been here, to start writing something, but i always end up getting bored of writing before i get to publish the post.

and so much has been going on since i wrote the last time. i've just been busy elsewhere. a lot of working, (my job demands overtime) which i really don't mind, since that means more cash (and even more now, thanks to the government in sweden). i don't know who knows, but there is a trip planned to n.y. in the end of march, to visit my dear old friend, the f-man. it's gonna be a whole week just having fun. but most of the times, that costs. so, my goal is to save $2000 just for spending... ;) hehe... and i've saved around $1000 so far, so it's not impossible.
then i've been living with the smurfs, but have finally moved home (no offence, smurfs) and the feeling of getting home... well, let's just say that i'm always carrying a pair of red shoes in my bag. the apartment isn't quite finished, but it is geting there, slowly but surely. i'm going off to ikea this week to buy a new bed and some other well-needed stuff. i have some ideas, but as always, one needs the money and the time to do it. but i will get there.

i've also fallen into playing computergames, especially neverwinter nights. and man is that a good game. i'm not quite the fanatic, letting it taking up all of my time, but i do play when i play. neverwinter nights 2 has come out and i will probably get it when i've finished the first one.
and i don't have a tv, but have been thinking about buying one, since i saw that you could get a 42" hdtv for around 18000 sek. and from what i've heard, that's expensive! when did tvs become so cheap?!? looked at the net and i saw the same tv for 14000 sek. but i've decided to wait with that for a while. i have my canapé to think about first of all. and then i'm not getting a tv unless i get an xbox 360. so there's a lot of stuff to buy in the world. and before i start with that kind of luxury merchandise, i'm going to start with the bed and lamps, a reading chair and some curtains.

yet for now, i'm enjoying what i can get on the internet. like this happy couple!